Critique: Ballpark Flame grilled hamburger patties!

On a recent visit to my local grocery store, I was in search of some pre-made hamburger patties. You know the ones you don't even have to make yourself! They're ready to go into the microwave or grill of your choice.

The thing was, I didn't have a clue as to where they might be found and so stop the Deli lady to ask for help. Her name was Shelia

Odeela (I think) and right off the bat she wanted to know if I wanted the fresh or the pre-cooked patties. I stared helplessly into space waiting for some form of divine revelation when Shelia suddenly pointed to a package of Ballpark Flame Grilled patties that were on a frozen food shelf just a few feet away! With relief, I grabbed a bag and headed for the checkout counter. As I stood in line waiting my turn, I reflected that at $7.99 for a six (73 gram) burgers, I at least hoped the taste would be impressive! I was due that, right?

Once home, I extracted a frozen burger and elected to go the 'stove top route. I noted that the patty looked for all the world like a rotting piece of cardboard and when I placed it on a hot skillet there was no 'sizzling' sound. Well, after all, the picture did say it was already cooked! So there it set and then, after a few minutes,

Hmmm

it did begin to look vaguely like hamburger meat and I was vastly relieved. Before much time at all had expired, I'd made my self a hamburger that didn't look all that shabby. But, the big question was...how did it taste?

I'll be honest, I've had better burgers! This meat was a bit dry and though I think kids would enjoy it, us grownups would probably not. Money-wise, you can buy a pound of hamburger and make up 5 or six similar patties (the Tupperware hamburger press works wonders), freeze them and you'd have a much better product for just a little bit of extra work.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give this deal a lame score of 5. And, from now on, I'll stick to the homemade variety!

Followup: After nuking a patty in the microwave, I'd raise the score a point or two! For the money and convenience! This was not actually all that bad!

Critique: Michelina's Sesame Chicken

I would have guessed that any food description with the word sesame in it would be OK. After all, sesame seed plants are one of the oldest cultivated plants in the world! Why, I often eat hamburger with buns that have sesame seeds sprinkled over them (why this is even done is a subject for another post). So, I figured since this meal-deal was also on sale, I’d give it a go.

This Lean Gourmet offering comes in at a meager 260 calories and even the sodium, at 600 milligrams, ain’t all that bad. But…it’s also an Asian dish – something I missed when I pick it up at the store. It’s not that I don’t like all things Asian; let’s just say that I’m more a meat and taters kind of guy. Still, it was on sale and so into the microwave it went.

This brings me to a problem I have with this line of meals from Michelina. Most of these packages instruct one to ‘tear a corner to vent’ which is OK. What’s not OK is that the instructions are on the bottom of the package. So, if there’s more than one operation to perform in the prep cycle (and there is), you have to carefully hold the whole affair up over your head to see what the next step entails. Most times, they want you to open up the package and stir this or that before re-nuking for another minute or more. Problem is, that lid like to curl up and so is really difficult to place back over the contents! I’m forced to place some kind of plastic utensil over the lid to hold it down! Michelina – This was not a well thought out process and you need to come up with something else.

After working through the intricacies of meal preparation, I sat down to eat. Right off, I noticed that the pasta was not al dente, but rather al soggy. Also, there was the issue with actually finding any chicken. I did spy what appeared to be some meat cubes, but they were too small to readily identify ad coming from a bird. Lastly, I found the taste to be mildly objectionable. Asian is just not my cup of tea and even though I ate the whole meal, it’s not some road I plan to travel again in the near future! This one gets a 5 on a scale of 10. Another in my growing list of entrees I plan to serve to guests I don’t particularly like.

Critique: Banquet Spaghetti & Meatballs

It was a Sunday and I was hungry and I figured that for a 'buck-a-meal deal', this offering from the folks at Banquet would be a safe bet. Now, while I could easily throw the pasta and sauce together all by myself from scratch, those meatballs would have proven a culinary challenge. Not the least of which would be all the work involved. Lucky for me, I was fresh out of hamburger, so the point was mute. Anyway, just look at them thar balls on the front cover! I’ll even bet ya they're spicy cuz us real men like our balls that way! (Uh, what)?

Another thing in Banquet's favor was the directions on the back of the box. (They're just the way I like my world – simple).  You open the box, extract the meal, shove it into a microwave and about four minutes later, it’s done! (Now somewhere in there, they also talk about slitting the film and stirring, but that was way too much for me to handle. I contented myself to listening to the microwave do its thing while I searched in the fridge for a cold one).

As you can plainly see at right, the finished meal looks a teensy bit different from the advertised product. But, us real men know how to handle disappointment (we get it often enough), so I sat down to eat.

Right off the bat, I’ll tell you there was this strange smell that wafted up to my nose when I removed the plastic film. Can’t say for sure if I could describe it other than to say ‘bad fridge smell’. But, seeing as how I was hungry and seeing as how I had a cold brewski close at hand to help anesthetize my innards, I decided to gave it a go. I’m happy to say that the meatballs (four of them like on the package) were fair to middling. They made up for the pasta which was not so fair.  Here’s the way I scored this Italian creation:

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Pkg Art:     9    Maybe I should have eaten the package instead?

Reality:      4    Best approached with your eyes closed. Just like sex!

Cost:          5    At $1 a shot, this is about as cheap as you can get! And, it shows.

Smell:        4    Ever stick your nose where it didn’t belong? It was like that, only worse!                    

Texture:     3    This pasta not only would stick on a wall, but it would congeal there too.

Taste:         5    Throw out the pasta and just eat the meatballs. You're better off.          

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Average:    5    Well, the box was kinda cute anyways!       

Rather than endure eating this again, I think I’ll switch to the canned spaghetti and meatballs next time. Better taste for about the same money!

Note: After the meal, you are left with only a cardboard container and a plastic tray which like the song 'War! What is it good for?" is 'good' for absolutely nothing! About 52 grams of paper and plastic that can be recycled – so do it!

Critique of Banquet’s Spaghetti & Popcorn Chicken

Oh no, not another Banquet cheapo dinner review! Yes, you glutinous nabobs hiding out there in the blogosphere! Here's my unbiased lowdown on another buck a meal deal.

In case you might be wondering, yes, I am working my way through the entire line of .77¢ (now a buck with inflation) dinners offered by Banquet. A fine Omaha,Nebraska company that makes TV dinners for us downtrodden masses. This time I will be feasting on the Popcorn Chicken version with spaghetti instead of the ‘Nuggets and Fries’ deal from before.Note to self: these two meals are not similar. Each deserves a place of its own on the bottom of the culinary barrel.

Because I would be working with spaghetti instead of French fries, the directions were a little different. Instead of ripping off the entire film from the package as before (a true macho feeling for me), I was instructed to gently remove only the film from over the popcorn chicken. Then, surprisingly, they requested the chicken bits get the boot also! The spaghetti remained covered. Can you say gitzy? Not sure what I was supposed to do with the popcorn things. I just left them on a plate.

After nuking the package in the micro for a minute and a half at high, I got to… you guessed it, stir the spaghetti and was then instructed to replace the chicken whatchamacallits. The instructions called for another nuking lasting a minute and a half. I'm assuming this is to make sure everything is actually dead.

OK, the deed has been done. I let the meal sit for a minute. And, rather than eat directly from the tray, I elected to plate the meal like a chef would at some fancy restaurant. (Hey, fancy is as fancy does). That accomplished, I gripped my fork in Roman fashion and dug in like a gladiator.  Hmm, the chicken tasted a lot like the chicken in the Chicken Nuggets and Fries meal only they were smaller in this one. And they were really, really spongy and therefore really disappointing. It must be all that breading. (Note to self; send Banquet a heads up on their spongy breading).

Being a super culinary trooper, I made the effort to eat every bite. The spaghetti tasted just so-so. The chicken, however, was like gnawing on the severed toes of a not so fresh cadaver. Gag me. But, OK, let me get real. It was not really all that bad for a measly .77 centavos (or about a buck in 2015). And who cares that the calories peaked at 270 or the sodium at 470 milligrams or the saturated fat was an artery clogging 3.5 grams? Who cares? Wait! I think I'm getting heart palpitations... Score this one a 5 and please move on to something a little better.