A Critique of Banquet’s Chicken Nuggets and Fries

It was a slow Thursday night and I found myself looking in the fridge for something to eat. I was hungry, but then again, I’m always hungry. I wanted to make something hot, filling and most important, it had to be fast and easy (just like my women). A true American end-of-the-day cuisine for those of us who can’t cook and who love beer...which is most of us. (Hey! It's a male thing).

As I perused the freezer, my wandering eyes were attracted to a pile of TV dinners I had purchased a few days earlier. Now, even though I’m on a sub par fixed (meaning zero) income, I still maintain enough personal essence to purchase only the best in frozen entrees. In this case, it was a Banquet Chicken Nuggets and Fries dinner. Banquet is a household name all across the world, isn’t it?

So anyway, the picture on the package was pretty enticing. As you can see, some sumptuous chicken nuggets nestled next to a pile of French fires. Wow! Looks like more food than I could eat all by myself! (In all fairness, the cost of this feast was a mere .77¢ which should have warned me not to expect too much). With my mouth, now watering, I opened the box….

Hmm, seems there might be a problem here Houston! The tray was so small. Not a meal at all. It didn’t look much like the picture, but OK, I decided to soldier on. Into the microwave it went after first stripping off the cellophane film cover as per instructions. One minute on high, and then I stirred the contents with a fork prior to another minute of nuking. While this was going on, I hummed the Star Spangled Banner...twice!

After removal from the oven, I tried to arrange the contents as closely as possible to what I saw on the box. This was futile as it turned out. As I attempted to move the chicken nuggets, I noticed they felt a bit soft (like my head). I had the feeling there was more breading than meat. (It turned out, I was right on that score). The fries were also a little more mushy than firm. (Reminded me of an old man’s penis. Not that I have a problem in that area mind you)!

I ate this stuff anyway. After all, I had paid almost a buck for it! As I ate, I took a look at the nutritional panel. (As you might have guessed, I don’t have a lot to do). I quickly gathered that, for such a small meal, it sure packed a lot of calories and salt. At just a 142 grams in total weight, I was still getting slammed with about 280 calories not to mention 560 milligrams of sodium. Wow. Kind of a kick in the groin for anyone trying to diet or maintain a low salt diet.

But, for all that. It tasted OK and I promised to make up for this dietary transgression on the morrow by eating a salad. Well, maybe.

So who's still advertising on Beck? March 8 edition...

According to Media Matters, back in March 2010, at least 80 advertisers have reportedly dropped their ads from Glenn Beck's Fox News program since he called President Obama a "racist" who has a "deep-seated hatred for white people." Really? And what or who was your source of information. The local crapper?

In my opinion, Media Matters should concede that they lied and are, in fact run, by a group of elite Socialists Aliens who want to see America toppled. They are in fact a group of genetic throwbacks, hairballs and losers that can't make money honestly so they go after hard working men and women. Well, listen up dweebs....

Glenn Beck and the Fox Network currently capture the lion share of the media market for their time slot. I would be proud to advertise with these folks. You folks at Media Matters, on the other hand, are still up there with the sewer rats and social psychopaths that make up the majority of your subscribers. That's my opinion anyway.

Democrats and mainstream media now resorting to emotional appeals!

As the senate races in key states begins to heat up, it's amazing to watch the spectacle that the Democratic and Mainstream media are making of themselves as they are throwing everything, including the kitchen sink, at candidates they are either running against or don’t like.

Republican senatorial candidates Linda McMahon in Connecticut and Christine O'Donnell in Delaware have been the targets of increasingly accusatory comments by both far left zealots and by media outlets such as the Washington Post and the New York Times. Failing the ability to discuss actual issues (the Democrat's well has run dry on that score), they have resorted to comments like ‘loon’ (Washington Post) and ‘seedy’ (New York Times) when referring to these two female candidates. Surprisingly, few voters seem to be paying much attention to either as time winds down to Election Day.

The Democratic Party has suffered what many now feel is a mortal wound and could well fade from the political scene over the next few years. The extremist media is already fading as more and more voters are looking for the truth and not hype when it comes to who will be placed in positions of leadership. My thought. 'Bout time!

But Wait! If you order now...

How many times have you heard those words on what has quaintly (but also accurately) been referred to as the boob tube? OK, listen up all you rubes out there. Anytime you hear 'But Wait', I want you to jot the information down and then go directly to Complaintsboard.com to do a little investigative research of your own. If the product is on the up and up, meaning there are few complaints, then by all means order them. (You might just get lucky and order something that actually works).

Following are a few of my favorites along with some typical complaints;

Cat Scratch Emery Board

“On Friday March 25 I ordered the Emery Cat board and accidentally hit a#ordered (2), when I got to the billing I realized what I had done and the s&h was $31 with a total order if over $90. I telephoned the company and was told they couldn't help me until Monday. So Monday I telephoned and spoke to a Todd and he informed me there was nothing I could do as the order had already been shipped by FEDEX and the only thing I could do is send it back when I receive it minus the shipping and handling, So if I send it back I am still out $31...”

IRenew Bracelets

“Thursday, 8/19/10: I ordered 2 sets of iRenew bracelets online. It did not give me the opportunity to review my order before giving me a confirmation that 3 sets were ordered at $19. 99 each, plus a shipping charge of $52. 65 was added onto that. I immediately called the number listed (203) 306-5764 and spoke with a customer service rep that could not find my online order...”

Water Jet

“never received my ez water jet. I have had several conversations with the 800 number to no avail!!!I have faxed all the info including my copy of my charges on my credit card to a heather!!! On June 28-2010 i again talked to a Janelle who assured me her supervisor would call me back immediately with an answer...”

Remember the trigger phrases are ‘But Wait’ and ‘Free’. Anytime you see one of these in a commercial, turn up your bullshit meter a notch or two.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. It Really Sucks to Be Me!

Say what you will about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. That he’s crazy. That he is a closet Hitler or even that he’s simply delusional. (Charges which may or may not be true). What is certain is that this man is no dummy.

His recent trip to New York City to address the United Nations was not so much about what he said. It was the fact that, for an hour or so, he took the world stage and in so doing gained credibility in his home country. You see, Ahmadinejad needs credibility right now. Lots of it.

It is no secret that factions within the Iranian leadership are having their problems socio-economically and politically. You can only lie to your people for so long before they begin to figure things out. When this happens, it’s time for a sacrificial lamb and rumor has it that Ahmadinejad’s number may be up. (After all, what better way to abruptly change political course than to kill off the current president). Moral here; Keep the citizenry guessing and you might live another day.

I will be watching with great interest to see just how much longer this, would be, tyrant has left on planet earth. I fear that soon he may be dining at the table with Allah and that, at least, should make him happy. Could someone please pass the Lamb and Beef Kubideh!

Does Socialism Really Work?

One day last year a Texas Political Science Professor was teaching his class about the failures of Socialism in world governments. A bright young student arose to challenge the Professor and insisted that Socialism does work in certain areas of the world and indeed is working now in the good ole US of A as well!

The Professor said "OK class if you all agree we will conduct a live experiment in the merits of Socialism, but you must all agree to accept the results of this experiment". The class all agreed, they were very eager to precipitate in the Professor's experiment; which was:

1. Quiz on Wednesday, Test on Friday, the grade will be on an average.

 If the average score in the class was an A then everyone gets an A.
 If the average score in the class was a B then everyone gets a B.
 If the average score in the class was a C then everyone gets a C.
 If the average score in the class was a D then everyone gets a D.
 If the average score in the class was an F then everyone gets a F

2. This experiment in Socialism would last for one month.

The first grade on the Quiz was a B, so everyone in the class got a B. Some of the A students were complaining, but the C students were happy to get a B. The A students started to study less and complain more.

The results of the Test on Friday was a C, now the A students were really complaining to the other students about studying and they were trying to encourage the C students to bring up their grades, but the C students did not respond.

The next week the grades were a C and D, the former A students lost interest and did not bother to study because now there was no incentive for them to excel and the former C students were mad at the A students for not helping the C students with their studies, so the C students just quit studying.

The result was that at the end of the month the whole class got a F. The Texas Professor said, "This is perfect example of how Socialism does not work and why Socialism fails people as a whole!"

Jon Stewart's Rally to Restore Sanity Oct 30th

Daily Show host Jon Stewart is planning a rally for us moderates on October the 30^th, the weekend right before the elections. Mr. Stewart is holding this rally because he sees that the voice of moderates is being drowned out by hyperpartisan ‘Wingnuts’. (I actually prefer the term ‘nutjobs’).

The rally is being billed as the ‘Rally to Restore Sanity’ and will be dedicated to the vast group of hard working men and women whose voices have been drowned out by a minority with personal agendas.

I would encourage everyone to check this deal out.