DanO's Place! A concept!

DanO's Place in Forsyth MO. A twenty first century concept in Bar/Grill establishments! 

Talk about low places that are also small. I give you DanO's Bar and Grill! A 900 square foot enterprise that boasts a small grill serving up dogs, burgers and chips along with an assortment of drinks and brews intended for a local crowd!

This '21 Century concept bar' has a focus on being very efficient in terms of heating and cooling costs via limited space that only allows for fewer than twenty four patrons at one time. The interior is open with a micro-bar that seats 12 with tables that seat twelve diners.

This is my concept of 'winning' bar and eatery establishments going forward....

The house on a hill.

Somewhere in the US - It was 1:45 AM, an insane time for anyone to be awake, much less an aged man. But, I was shivering, even as I was deep under the covers. 'Did the power fail', I wondered as I opened sleep filled eyes and attempted to concentrate.  A glance at my La Crosse thermometer, next to my bed, read 69.4 degrees. I groaned at seeing that while realizing that a small night lite was functioning in a cherry fashion across the room.  Two small space heaters, one an oil filled radiator looking affair and the other a blower type were putting out heat, but it was woefully short of what was required. Outside, an uncaring wind blew through the crack and crannies of a home that was almost as old as I was.

Getting out of bed, I reflected back to the days, many years ago, when I happened across it at an auction. I was looking for a place and to rent, but sometimes fate steps in and changes ones life course. Sometimes for the better, other times for worse. On that fateful day, a small group of people were standing around an auctioneer who was well into his chant. It looked to be a very old house he was selling. I walked closer and could hear him clearly. 'Forty-forty-forty, can someone give me forty'? His high pitched voice a rapid jabbering that was a bit hard to understand and yet understandable at the same time. No one standing there really seemed interested, rather, they stared hopefully at the man as though expecting he might perhaps burst out into either song or tears. Either way, they seemed to want to stick around to the bitter end. It was at that precise moment that fate, the auctioneer and me collided in chaotic fashion.

Clearly exasperated, the auctioneer (whose name was Stan, I was to learn later on), shouted out 'Someone please just make me an offer!'

Never one to be caught off guard, I half jokingly raised my arm and said. 'I'll go ten thousand, sir'.

In the space of perhaps a few seconds, he looked at me. Swiveled around to take in the small gathering. Turned back to me and yelled, 'SOLD to the gentleman in the grey overcoat!' And just like that, I became a home owner. My days of renting now in life's rear view mirror. Only, I wondered what kind of home could one actually buy for ten thousand dollars... [to be continued]...

The Bull Shoals monster!

Rare picture of what??

Some people say that Bull Shoals Lake in southwestern Missouri may not be the safest place to venture about, especially in its more desolate reaches. 

Bull Shoals is a large body of water that forms the tertiary branch of three reservoirs near my town of Forsyth Missouri. I've lived in the area for quite some time and I think it was along about 1998 that I was out walking along the shoreline when I spied a strange sort of creature off in the distance. The light wasn't very good, yet I could see well enough to tell that the creature was easily over twelve feet long. At first, I thought it had to be a trick of the lighting or maybe even some form of a mirage. But, I snapped a picture anyway with my trusty Canon camera. As soon as I clicked the shutter, however, the thing was gone in the blink of an eye. It moved so darn fast, I'd almost convinced myself I had wasted some film and wouldn't see anything at all once it was developed...

A week later, the film came back and boy was I amazed! What sort creature from hell was this, I asked myself? It looked all twisted up and even deformed in places! I remember that a shiver ran briefly down my spine as I contemplated showing it to my friends. No. I decided. Why face the potential ridicule. So, I stuffed the picture into a photo album, where it then languished for decades. Then, in the early fall of 2021, the killings began....

Ultima Thule declares war on Earth!

Stoolian attack battle cruiser

Way back in January 2006, the United States launched a small probe named New Horizons off the planet and onto a trajectory that allowed it to first visit Jupiter in February of 2007, doing a fast swing around and then heading for an encounter with Pluto in July of 2015. Had the scientists left it at that, the earth might have been spared some problems!

But no, a group of them got it in their heads to point the little craft out towards the Kuiper belt, a region of the solar system beyond the orbit of Neptune, believed to contain many comets, asteroids, and other small bodies made largely of ice. And, as it turned out a warlike tribe of robots soon to be known to humans as Stoolites! Why Stoolites, you might ask. Mainly because that's what they call their little retched piece of rock - Stool! And while scientists still prefer the term Ultima Thule, that only caused those robots to get even more agitated after communications were firmly established. Then, the following message was received on December 28, 2018 – just a few days before the probe was scheduled to whiz by the rock at a distance of 2200 miles....

[Biotic organisms of [unpronounceable]. We have seen the incredibly large 'missile?' you have aimed at Stool, but with such very poor accuracy, that it is sure to miss us. You dare to attack Stool? We will respond by launching the entire Stoolian battle fleet which numbers in the thousands with orders to annihilate your pathetic tiny ball of water and rock!]

As you might guess this threat was taken very seriously, until that is, the Stoolites also sent them a picture of one of their space battle cruisers along with a detailed specification of its armament, size etc.

After doing some math, they determined that each craft was about 0.0625 mm in length! (See mock up of scaled-to-size craft below right).

'Hmm', pondered one scientist. 'It would seem that the Stoolites may be a bit myopic and they're definitely somewhat tiny!'

Another scientist looked up at him grinning. 'Do you think we should sue for peace? I mean their entire armada might just fit into a small salt shaker!' (The scientist then commenced rolling on the floor laughing).

Meanwhile, a lone robotic Stoolite stood at the helm of the flagship Fartenstark, as it headed at flank speed for the earth. One of his metal tentacles slapped the floor plate in anticipation. 'Boy', he thought. 'Will they ever be in for a surprise...'

Leaving Forsyth!

Excerpt - Dudley Storch, age 34, woke up with a rather severe hangover. It was an early Monday morning in spring and all around him were the sounds of other people who were living in his apartment building, getting ready to go to work. Looking out a nearby window, he could see that it was going to be a bright and sunny morning. The sounds of car doors being opened and then shut drifted up into his room.

'Shit', he thought. 'Do they have have to make so much noise?' Dudley slowly sat up in bed and stretched. A movement that only made his head pound more. Slowly, so as not to pass out, he swung his feet over the edge and onto the floor. One foot lightly rested on an overturned beer can. As he stood up, however, the can collapsed under his weight. (Thankfully, it was empty of any contents). Just then, there was a loud knock out in the living room at his front door.

[Bam Bam Bam] 'Hey in there! Anyone at home?' Came a muffled feminine voice.

'Yeah, hold on a sec will ya!' Dudley shouted out from his room, while trying to get one foot into a pair of faded jeans. His foot didn't quite make the leg hole and he stumbled against a dresser. Hopping up and down now, he was finally able to get both his feet into the jeans and was then able to wrench them up around his small waist. (A waist that also exhibited just the hint of a developing beer gut). He also needed to pee, but felt the need to get to the door first to see what all the fuss was about.

Out in the living room, everything had gone quiet. Dudley, shirtless, with splayed out hair and a full bladder approached his front door. He grasped the knob and slowly opened his door that had a large '5' on it, stamped just over a peep hole. Looking out both ways, he saw that the hall was empty before noticing a white piece of paper that had fallen from the door jam. Bending down, with a frown on his face, he picked it up and went back inside.

Going to the bathroom and then into the kitchen, he tossed the note onto the top of a well worn kitchen table before scrounging around inside the fridge. Grabbing a container of milk and some juice, he turned to place them next to the note before going after a half empty box of cereal.

Finally, seated with a bowl of Cheerios and a glass of milk and juice, he opened the note and read....

Crumpling the note up in a fist, Dudley's headache got even worse...

How to bring the two political sides together real fast!

As I've watched the Democrats and the Republicans move at cross purposes for so many years, I've learned that things will not likely change... until, that is, a new threat arises!

Washington D.C. - It's 2044 and President Barbarossa flickers to life on video screens everywhere.

'My fellow Americans, I come to you this day to inform the Nation that a hostile Alien force from somewhere in space has now parked themselves into orbit above our heads.' The President pauses for a few seconds and appears to be perspiring before continuing... 

'We have received and decoded a message from them. Ah, a message that appears to be an ultimatum.'

All across the Nation, people stopped in their tracks. Some thought this might be a joke while others were not so sure. Then the President continued speaking.

'As best we can tell, there are over a thousand large ships manned by a race that calls themselves the Khur. They made it clear to us, early on, that they are carnivores and that they are very hungry after crossing vast distances.' The president looks off screen as though to gain confirmation, swallows and continued.

'Well, without further delay, I'll read you the message' -

'Biotics of the puny planet below our mighty warships. We have come to dine... on you. Please don't not fear as your deaths will be swift! Ha Ha. No, I was making a jest. The mighty Khur prefer our food to be alive when we consume it. That is all.'

And on that one day, the American political parties were unified. Of course the next day they were all eaten alive... End of story.

What's the X-37B Military Space Plane doing up there?

The latest mystery mission of the U.S. Air Force's robotic X-37B space plane has now passed the 400-day mark with no clear deadline of returning home.

This mission - known as Orbital Test Vehicle (OTV-5) - was rocketed into Earth orbit on Sept. 7, 2017, atop a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket from Launch Complex 39A at NASA's Kennedy Space Center in Florida.

The un-crewed space plane is carrying out secretive duties during the X-37B program's fifth flight. A fact that has not escaped the shrewd minds of people like Chuck Schumer and Dianne Feinstein, two feisty Democrats of recent Brett Kavanaugh fame. Without any factual corroboration, they've both accused Trump of evil doings with the craft... (uh, where have I heard that before)?

One possibility that was leaked by a high ranking official indicated that the plane was equipped with hi-tech missiles that could hit any target at will. Another was that the planes had a sinister virus on board that was flu-like, but much more deadly. Upon release, only those (Republicans) who had gotten special 'flu shots' would be likely to survive the winter. Lastly, there is a chance that the plane has test 'structures' on board that are being exposed to long term periods in space. Personally, I like option two the best!

On eggs, the wind and blank TV's!

Outside, a brisk wind was moaning through a crack in my kitchen window. I glanced up, briefly, as I washed a few dishes in the sink and checked the solid blanket of clouds for an spot of blue. 'No sunlight today,' I thought to myself. OK, sure. Chilly winds, overcast skies and sore feet were about par for a late day in March. It was a fact that my condo and my body were rather old, each growing more infirm as the days passed. And, we both creaked a little in a stout wind, me more than the condo...

---------------------------

On this day, I'd just finished eating breakfast after first hobbling from my bed over to the fridge. My ankle hurt more so than normal. I couldn't tell if that left foot was sprained or perhaps gout was getting a better hold. In either case, I was forced to hobble that morning or risk dying of starvation. After a bit, the pain subsided and I hobbled along pretty well.

My breakfast consisted of an egg, a slice of toasted rye bread and a glass of milk. Only the milk had started to go bad and so I dumped it. Water would have to serve. I fried the egg while wondering what kind of number all the cholesterol was going to do to my circulatory system. I didn't worry at all about the bread. 

Off in one corner of the room that morning, my flat screen stared defiantly back at me. It had been off more than on in recent months and was likely a little sore. Being turned off, though, was a testament to sort of channel programs being offered. I found the silence to be refreshing and that TV could glare all it wanted. Anyway, there was the moaning of the wind to keep me company. I quickly consumed the egg and the toast, feeling completely unfulfilled and if anything more hungry! As I sat there at the table, looking at the empty plated with only a streak of yellow and some bread crumbs scattered here and there, I thought of my life. In many ways, I was like that plate. Yellow marks here and there and sort of crumbly and empty headed. Time went by as my grandfather clock ticked off the seconds...

I was under attack! By my A1 sauce!

Forsyth MO. - At first I thought there must be something wrong with my eyes! I was sitting at a local restaurant having a nice quiet breakfast when I noticed that something very strange was happening to my bottle of A1 sauce. It seemed to be slowly oozing some sauce, or what looked to be sauce down the side of the bottle! Curious, I leaned closer. It was right at that moment that time froze for me. For I could see little pairs of eyes looking back! I leapt back from the counter in complete terror and yelled for help!

Alien pee?

'Hey come over and look at this!', I practically screamed. From twenty feet away, my sever looked up at me with bored eyes.

'What's it this time, Buster? Is your toast too soggy?', she inquired without moving at all in my direction. Meanwhile, one of the critters had made it down to the counter top and seemed to be growing at an alarming rate! I thought I could also hear a tiny tinkling sound.

Eyes, practically now bugging from my head, I couldn't help but notice that the A1 Thingy was also apparently relieving itself as it moved slowly in my direction... I hopped from one foot to the other and pointed excitedly at the still oozing bottle, or was it not a bottle at all, but perhaps some tiny alien ship that just happened to look like a bottle of A1?

Finally, taking her own sweet time, my server came over with one eye brow raised almost to her hairline. As she did this, the little alien guys scattered and disappeared. One second there, and the next gone!

'Look Bud', she intoned. 'They don't pay me nearly enough that I can to come running everything you thought you saw something. So, what is it this time? She asked me in a most sarcastic tone of voice.

Well, what could I say. Suddenly there was just that one pristine bottle of A1 on the counter, sitting there as innocent as all heck. Meanwhile the server continued her withering gaze, unabated.

'Uh, sorry. It was a false alarm', I muttered with my head down. 'I'll finish my coffee and leave.'

The server, still glaring, abruptly turned and walked away. But, just as she did so, that bottle spin around twice and vanished with nothing to show it had been there, but a slight popping sound as air rushed in to fill the sudden vacuum!

Later, after I got home, I began to wonder what had happened to the little creatures that had slithered off? Maybe, just maybe, they went somewhere to hide and to grow. Maybe, just perhaps they'll make a a grand appearance on Monday, October the 31st...

Disclaimer: This was a work of pure fiction. There were no creatures and the reason for the oozing was due to a bottle being overfilled'. Everyone at the restaurant, in question, maintain the highest professional standards!

Mice in space!

NASA - The two mice aboard the SpaceX capsule have apparently escaped and are now roaming about somewhere in the International Space Station. Commander Barry Wilmore noted that the little creatures are 'right at home in zero gravity' and were seen zipping about in one room of the station before disappearing behind a circuit board. Efforts to locate them have proved fruitless, so far.

Dubbed Mork and Mindy by launch personnel, there is now a growing concern that the rodents may begin to wildly mate and produce numerous offspring. When Commander Wilmore was asked if they would starve or die first due to lack of water, he wasn't really sure, as there are large stores of both all over the station in plastic containers that can easily be breached by the sharp mice teeth. There is also speculation that the mice, (and any offspring they might produce) may rapidly mutate into something new and perhaps dangerous like in the fictional movie Alien...

The Commander laughed that off too, although it was a rather weak sounding laugh.

NASA announces objects on Ceres are artificial in origin? Well, maybe not.

OK, this post is a work of pure fiction, although as of this writing the two bright spots seen on the Ceres minor planet continue to puzzle scientists.

But, I couldn't help but think what it might mean for the tired old planet of ours should these spots turn out to be enormous monoliths. You know, similar to the small one they find on the moon in 2001: A space Odyssey.

The picture shown here was taken by the Dawn spacecraft from a distance of 29, 000 miles and so those spots would have to be enormous in size! But, what if on a later picture, the images resolve like so? What sort of impact would that have on this planet? On America? On the Middle East?

One thing for sure. There would be one hell of a race to build craft to get there! I would picture insane goings among the various nations  on in a similar vein to the move titled 'The Great Race'! Great entertainment indeed!

April 5 Update: Dawn's arrival in orbit was almost a month ago... since then a total blackout of any news concerning Ceres; no closeup photos, no scientists speculations, no nothing.... The question now becomes, exactly what is NASA or the government or both hiding from the public? My next conjecture is that NASA will announce that the craft has suffered a 'failure' and that no pictures will be forthcoming..

April 6 - OK, It's now been implied, by some other bloggers, that I'm crazy - there's nothing to see here. The spacecraft will be back on line soon with great pictures..... If that happens - cool by me. If, on the other hand, there is some sort of malfunction... then I will continue to wonder.

Stranded on the Mun!

In a far away location in space exists a planet known as Kirbin. It's a nice little planet populated with

friendly inhabitants known as Kerbals. A race that is actually ahead of us on planet earth in terms of its technology as they have a very active space program. There's even a game out that's called KSP for Kerbal Space Program that us earthling can play for a small pittance.

Well, it seems that three if the planet's citizens, Bill, Bob and Jedediah Kerman (who are also brothers) have gotten themselves stranded on the planets satellite which they call the Mun. Strange coincidence that! Anyway, it seems that they ran out of fuel just as they landed and are now STRANDED! And, it will be up to me, a mere earthling, to try and get them rescued. 

After hearing of their plight, I jumped into a nearby space-time worm hole and flashed over to their planet in a jiffy. [It's too bad that worm hole travel is invariably fatal to Kerbians, otherwise I could have plucked their scrawny green arses right off that Mun without much ado]. No, I'd have to go to the planet, pay for and then build a ship to go get them. (Nothing comes easy for us hero types)!

After I got settled in at a hotel on Kirbin, (a rather shabby affair called The Droige), I got right on over to the local space center to head up the construction effort. Almost immediately, I was faced with some challenges.(But, thankfully, I also got a break. It turned out that the rate of exchange on Kerbin was a million 'kerbinos' per human dollar)! That allowed me to construct the rescue ship shown here! It cost just $3,577,000 kerbinos and was even fitted with a rescue cell that would just hold three lucky Kirbins! I could hardly wait to set sail!

The journey to the Mun was perilous to be sure. As Kirbin's gravity, at 9.81 m/sec² was just about that of earth, I manged to burn up a couple of tons of fuel just to get into a 75km orbit around their planet. Then, I had to perform what is called a Hohmann transfer maneuver in order to transition to a stable Mun orbit. Lotta work that was!

From there, more calculations were needed to do a burn that would be precise enough to get my ship down in the vicinity of the disabled Kirbans. Yes, it was tough, but you know what they say about when the going gets tough...! Suffice it to say that I made it and was able to get Bill, Bob and Jed back to their home planet. That evening, we all celebrated in fine style!

A Sunday trip to McDonald's!

'Oh boy! I'm going to the double Arches today!' That was my thought as I motored on over to the local McDonald's for lunch one overcast Sunday afternoon. The past week's diet had been pretty much blown all to hell and so I thinking that if I was going to be hung, it might as well be as a cat!

Now McDonald's on a Sunday is generally a drive through affair pour moi. There's two reasons why that's so; 1) the place will have more kids per square foot than at any other time of the week and 2) I can enjoy my lunch drinking a beverage I brought with me rather than pay the sky high rates they want for a coke or other beverage there! On this particular Sunday in April, I arrived a little after the noon hour, just as all the churches were emptying out. And where do the faithful go when they leave their church? Why, to McDonald's of course!

As I sat in line waiting my turn at the speaker-box thingy, I couldn't help but notice the sounds of sheer chaos coming from within the establishment. The center of all that ruckus seemed to be coming from the McDonald's unique indoor version of a 'playground'. A space that looked pretty grimy even from the relative safety of my car. I counted something like ten or more kids who were engaged in activities that ranged from licking the slide surface to hanging upside down from a bar while drooling on an unfortunate child below. Playground, I thought to myself. A better word would be germgroundzero! As I pulled forward, I wondered how many of those kids would be sick on Monday and who would be just in time to give the crud to mommy and daddy! Nothing like starting your work week with an unknown virus multiplying in your gut....

At last, it was my turn to order. 'Squorsh blecky bordash help you', came the distorted words from the speaker. (I've learned from past experience not to pay any attention to whatever it is the box is trying to tell me and hone in only on the word help as my cue to place an order). 'I'll have a cheeseburger and a medium fry,' I ordered in my clearest speaking at a box box voice.

'You want that pushed to the max, honey?', came the surprisingly clear response. Although, I wasn't quite sure what the 'max' actually meant...

'Naw, just give me a cheeseburger and a medium fry,' I responded in a calm and controlled voice. I like to pride myself on being able to survive the McDonald's order gauntlet while staying somewhat intellectually intact.

'OK,squarsh mother fundashs, that'l be ablish abundingee.', came a short retort through a now rising wave of electronic static. I briefly wondered if the order taker was going insane and definitely had no idea of what the correct amount I should pay was. Thankfully, the lit display flashed the amount of $3.02. I sighed in silent gratitude and pulled on up to the pay window, a fist full of change at the ready. I quickly payed for my meal, then pulled forward to the 'delivery' window, grabbed my meal and left. [When I arrived home, I sighed one last time and then enjoyed my Quarter Pounder and tater tots....] Yep! I'd survived a true gauntlet and was now contentedly munching down on a salt loaded, cholesterol hellhole that tasted pretty damn good yet was most likely doing a number on the old aortic arch! As I finished the last bite, I felt....

It's semi, sorta official – the spring floods, they are a coming!

An updated photo of the canopies in their 'safe location'!

After much thought, some study at the local library and from talking with any number of 'experts' around town, I've come to a conclusion. That is, that the reason the Corps of Engineers removed all those canopies from approximately 20 camping sites along the Bull Shoals river (near Forsyth Missouri) back in December, is because they are psychic! That is, they can see into the future, baby! I wonder! Is this yet another sort of proof of the hi tech stuff still coming out of Area 51 from when that UFO crashed in Roswell New Mexico in the 50's? I don't know, maybe...

And apparently this won't be just any flood as I was informed in December, that a 'ten foot wall of water' would soon inundate the entire river basin, thereby sweeping away all that lay before it. (Sounds sort of biblical)!! And, those canopies would be long gone were it not for the crafty Park Rangers who removed them and stacked them out of harms way! [Note: This information was first given me back in December 2013 when I also posted a blog on the subject].

Now, some months later, I'm guessing that old wall of water will soon become a reality, so watch out for it and be prepared to run for your life! And, when it does occur, I'd like to give this deserving arm of our government the full credit it deserves as I feel it can use all the help they can get these days...

Remember! You read it here first.....

Disclaimer: There is no evidence that the Corps of Engineers, or any or branch of our Federal government for that matter, is psycho psychic. This was just another tongue in cheek posting by an author with too much time on his hands! I think that the truth with these canopies is this - on the next really slow day when these folks are looking for something to do - they will replace these on top of the campsites! See! We're really doing a good job after all...

The real bottom line - do not trust anyone who works for any governmental agency very far. Please keep them at arms length at all times! Sadly, I feel that we have a cancer eating at this Republic and that fact will become more evident, eat day, as it it continues to metastasize throughout this country in the days and weeks and months to come...  

Update: Friday, March 14 - The canopies were placed back on top of the picnic tables - order has been restored and apparently no flood is imminent!

River Run Park! An alien invasion point?

Strangely, an aerial view of River Run takes the form of a bird of prey!

Nestled deep in Ozark country in an obscure location in southwest Missouri lies a federally run public use park known to locals as River Run. A place where strange events may point to an alien invasion as reported by Billy Sims.

Forsyth MO.- Located just to the west of the small town known as Forsyth Missouri, River Run Park looks innocuous at first glance. Seen from high overhead one is immediately struck with the appearance of the outline of a birds head! A bird of prey at that! With 32 camping/RV sites each with a covered picnic table, electrical power and water supply one would think it an average, garden variety park where people go to enjoy the great outdoors. That's what one would assume. But. Things may not be as they appear. Take those canopy covers, for instance. In early December 2013, 14 of them were removed along the river's edge leaving a forest of steel poles stretching skyward. Why was this done? To what end? Some of the local citizens think they may have answers....

Dan Owen, an aging local resident, has lived on the outskirts of the park for many decades. His home is strategically perched up on a hill that overlooks it, and so provides him with the perfect observation point with which to watch what transpires down below. According to Mr. Owen, over the years, this park has provided many a strange, and even possibly alien events over the years. I decided to let Dan describe some of these in his own words...

----------------------Excerpt

“Well yes sir”, Dan told the reporter one afternoon in the early spring of 2014, “that there place makes my skin crawl and I don't know why! It's just all them strange things I've observed over the course of time that's got me to wondering what the heck fire is going on!”

When Mr. Owen was asked by the reporter if he could be more specific, he related the following.

“ Why yes, I understand you young writer fellas wanting some detail. OK, well how about them lights! Yes sir, sometimes late at night, I get me a strange feeling. Kind of an electric tingle shoots through my body that gets me all jittery, so I get out of bed. Well sir, sometimes when I've gotten up and have looked out back towards the park, why I've seen me some looking strange lights that moved here and there random like!”

“Couldn't those have just been car lights?” The reporter inquired with a slight smirk on his face.

Dan's wrinkled face crunched up as he eyed the young man closely for a long moment. Then with pursed lips he stated a little tersely, “ Naw sonny, I know me the difference between car lights and lights that ain't on no car! Them lights were a moving, why they moved up and down and this a way and that a way. I'm telling you it just weren't natural looking!”

“OK...” the now skeptical reporter asked slowly, “what else have you seen, Mr. Owen?”

“Well now, just hold on to your garters, boy! This here tidbit is the real deal. I done saw them

Is this an alien antenna array?

government agents take the tops off 14 of the campsites. They done left nuthin but steel poles all sticking up skywards! Looked to me just like one of them NASA antenna arrays, I'll tell you right now! I thought to myself that just mebbe they was a transmitting something to the aliens!”

I could see that the old guy was getting a little worked up at that point and tried to calm him down somewhat.

“Now sir, I'm sure there is a logical reason why the Corps of Engineers would remove all those canopies.” The reporter continued. “I saw them laying around on the ground, in the park, when I drove through it on my way to your place.”

“Oh, yeah!” he responded. “You tell me, reporter man, why someone would go to all the trouble to take off that many of them metal tops! Why they must weigh a couple of hundred pounds or more each! No, I'm purty sure that we gonna have us an alien invasion and it's gonna be pretty darn soon!”

“Well, I can see your point,” he told him as he packed up his gear. “ I guess we'll just have to wait and see what develops. Meanwhile, I'll be sure to get this story in the local paper, Mr. Owen.”

With that the reporter took his leave. As he departed, the old man gazed after him and muttered, “well boy, I'm gonna keep watching the sky over that park, I'll tell you sure. Yes sir, you betcha. I'll be watching the sky...”

The mystery of the misshapen jelly dispensers!

This picture may be unsuitable for younger viewers!

It doesn't take much to upset my nice and tidy world. I've learned how to duck out, tune out and otherwise not notice that my country is falling down around my ears. But, those poor twisted jelly dispensers, make that just about cooked my noodle!

In the picture, you'll note that while the strawberry jelly packages lie perfectly flat, those grape dudes are having a tough time finding enough space. Why, you ask? It's because that entire side of the container has been somehow twisted out of true – possibly due to a spacial distortion of the three dimensional quantum continuum that Eisenstein like to talk about so much. Literally, the grape side of the plastic dispenser may have gotten pushed into a 'parallel universe' for just a fraction of a second and then savagely ripped back! The end result is pretty awful, I'd have to admit. And, while these SD's may be extremely rare, they've apparently struck with a vengeance at the restaurant I like to frequent. All, I repeat, all of the jelly dispensers were likewise afflicted and amazingly it's only on the grape side!

What does all this mean? Well, I've submitted a theory to the US government, that this may just be the tip of the spacial distortion iceberg. I'm betting that very soon all sorts of ubiquitous items will turn up all twisted and bent out of shape. Take our members of Congress for example...

Dan’s Produce Outlet of America: A business miracle?

In what historians will surely refer to as a genuine ‘rags to riches’ story, Dan’s Produce Outlets of America have officially become a national treasure.

Whether you’re talking about Dan’s cabbage, Dan’s tomatoes or even Dan’s bananas, Dan’s Produce Outlets of America is now a household name all across America. The real miracle though, according to some experts, has been the way in which owner Dan Owen has managed to keep his boyish charm while looking through a veil of stunning success.

Starting out with just thirty square feet of raised beds in 2008, Dan quickly turned that diminutive space located in Forsyth Missouri, into a mega business that is now estimated to be worth billions of dollars. What was the key to his success? While making a televised speech outside his lavish home in Houston, Texas DanO was heard to say, “I always wanted to do something for my family and friends and then it came to me! Why not grow a few veggies!” Seriously, that’s what he said.

Mr. Owen (who openly admits to receiving heavy subsidies from the government) wants people to know that he is ‘is not doing this for himself, but rather for all the little people out there’. He promises to continue offering the best produce ‘at competitive prices’ and insists that he will not be teaming up with Obama for the 2012 presidential ticket. Dan Owen, a man to watch!

Invasion of the winged ticks! Part 1

Part One – A chance encounter

I’m not sure of the exact date I first noticed the tiny bugs flitting around my room. I remember thinking they were some kind of weird fly. They were way too small to be a regular fly. My mind then went on to more important topics. Like where to find a job! I do recall that they were much smaller than the ones that normally invade homes here in southwest Missouri and then went on to other things. Little did I realize that in a sense, I was probably one of the first to lay eyes on what was soon to become a nightmare plague that would cripple the world.

Five years ago, when I moved from a small apartment in Chicago (the windy city that I felt actually got its name more from the politicians than from Lake Michigan), I finally landed in a small Midwestern town named Birch that supported a population of just under two thousand. After looking around in vain for a job, I soon discovered that most of the people living there worked in various trade jobs such as construction, roofing and the like. Positions I was ill suited to fill. A few of the places I sought work at mentioned the National Research Institute that occupied the far north edge of town as a potential candidate. NRI as it was known by the locals was very clandestine but occasionally they were known to post a help wanted sign by the road that ran by the min entrance. No one, including myself, really had much of an idea what went on in the small cluster of nondescript concrete buildings. We could see that the parking lot there was most always full from 7AM until late into the evening. And, there were rumors, of course. Some said they tortured animals while others hinted at even darker experiments. A friend of mine confided to me that NRI was actually involved in genetic research. Turned out he was the closest guesser of the group.

I really didn’t care much what they did and never went over to apply for work. Interestingly enough, I also never ran into anyone who worked there in the town proper. Even on the weekends while shopping at the local grocery, there was no evidence of strangers in my mist. (I would have remembered seeing the blue coverall’s that NRI employees were required to wear). Maybe they all did their shopping late at night or maybe they shopped in the next town? Strange behavior, but not illegal. So, it was with some shock that a chance encounter at the mart one weekend made me aware that things were not all that perfect in the little town of Birch Missouri.

On that day, a Saturday early in the springtime, I was at the mart looking for the section that held insect repellent. After wandering around for a while, I spotted a friend standing at the far end of an isle. He evidently was also looking for repellant as he was holding a can of what appeared to be Off. “Hey Ted” I announced as I walked up to his side. “That’s just what I was looking for. The damn bugs are absolutely thick this year and its not even summer yet!” I commented sagely as I picked up a can at random. It announced ‘Insect Away’ in big blue lettering and was evidently on sale.

Ted looked over at me and scowled. “Hey DanO! No, don’t get that junk. It don’t work buddy.” He grinned and pointed to his left leg. “See those red spots?” I could just make out a cluster of tiny red marks on his calf. “That happened after I had applied the Insect Away crap! Just a short walk in the woods yesterday and BAM it get clobbered good” He then pointed to the can of Off in his right hand. “This here is the real McCoy according to the store manager. He said that while it costs more, it’s worth it because it works!”

As I eyed the cost difference, I had internal doubts. If the guy Ted was referring to was someone named Mark Billings, then all bets were off. Old Mark barely got himself through High School a few years back when he landed a job at the mart. He actually was a stock boy, but told his friends he was the manager. Nice enough kid but certainly not much in the way of an expert on bugs. Personally, I have been long convinced that most of what you pay for these days is hype and not actual product. But, I was willing to part with a little extra on the basis of Ted’s glowing endorsement. I replaced the Insect Away and grabbed a can of Off and headed for the check out counter waving adieu over my back to Ted as I went. That was the last time I saw Ted alive.

End of part one….