For millions of Americans, those Golden Arches beckon one and
all, every day right about noon time. Menus on billboards proudly display
pictures of Super Big This with oversized bags of That for all to see and
desire. (Could heroin be any more
addictive I wonder)? Endless lines of cars passing through endless drive-thru’s.
Cars of every type with millions of out-of-condition, glutinous individuals (like
me), safely and tightly ensconced within. Cars carrying men and women who are
apparently more than eager to commit this form of dietary suicide on any given
day.
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It’s twelve noon as I pull up to the McDonald’s ordering
grill thingy. It’s just below a large billboard that is cluttered with an
enormous selection of food. From the time you are in visual range of the board
to the time the speaker asks for your order is a matter of short seconds. My
hands trembles slightly on the steering wheel. A metallic (yet authoritarian)
voice greets my ears. “Thank you for stopping at McDonald’s! What would you
like to order?”
“Yes! I think I’ll have the Big Mac and Fries Meal deal.” (My panic
standby order for when I don’t have enough time to select something else). This
selection flashes on the electronic board to my right. Dollar amounts appear to
the right of each item.
“Thank you! And, what would you like to drink?”
“I’ll have a Diet Coke, thanks!” I’m now getting distracted
as I try to pull my wallet out of my back pocket with little success. My seat, which years ago, provided ample room
now seems somehow tight and cramped. A light sweat begins to form on my brow…
“That will be $6.01 sir”, drifts a female voice from out of the
metal grill. “Would you like to die a little more quickly and Super Size that order today sir?” As I
listened through the window of my car, I could swear I heard a very light, high
pitched snickering in the background. (Perhaps it was just my hearing playing
tricks on me).
“Uh no…I’m… on a diet,” I say in my most pious of voices.
More snickering (static?) comes from the grill. I’m now fumbling in my pants
pocket for some change. My wallet which I had wrestled from my rear pocket is
now also now wedged in my lap. I manage to pull out a handful of coins, some of
which fly off into the far seat. Damn!
“OK, sir, we have a Big Mac, a large fry and a Diet
(snicker) coke. Will that be all today?”
“Uh, yeah.” I
mumble as I try furiously to locate a penny in my fistful of silver coins. Ah! I sigh, as I spot one lone penny. I
deftly pluck it out of the pile, toss the other coins into the neighboring
seat, and add it to a ten dollar bill I had fished from my wallet. I find
myself clutching this money like it might somehow bring me salvation.
“Please drive forward to the payment window.” I look up and
find my way obstructed. What!!
I want to go forward, but three cars block my way! Damn
them! There we sit, each of us waiting in line to pay, not unlike a junkie with
a handful of crumpled bills who cautiously approaches a dealer for his noontime
fix. Finally! After what seems hours (but may have been only minutes), the
payment is made! I toss the four singles into the seat next to me along with
the wallet! What a mess! Just a few more agonizing minutes as my fingers
impatiently strum the top of the steering wheel while waiting for that last
damn car in front of me to exit the delivery window.
Ah crap, I think
as I watch the meal deal going down in front of me! They must have ordered for something like twenty people! Look at all that crap they’re getting!
My stomach rumbles in rebellion at the thought of a delay. The sweat on my brow
now forms tiny rivets down my nose. I wipe them unconsciously away with a swipe
of my hand.
After what seems an eternity, the car in front pulls away
from window. I put my car in gear and eagerly pull up. As I come up even with
the window a girl of perhaps twenty is standing there like she’s waiting for a
bus. Her eyes travel first to me and then to the far seat where money is
scattered all over creation. A slight smile forms on her mouth. Yes, she’s seen
this before. Often actually. She glances at a computer screen to her right.
“I’m sorry sure but there’s going to be a wait for your Big Mac. That lady in
front of you cleaned us out. Would you mind pulling over to a stall and we’ll
have someone bring your order out to you?”
What! I can’t believe this! But, like a good robot, I do as
instructed. I pull over to an open slot and then watch that window through my
rear view mirror. I can also make out a side door that hopefully will open soon
and bring me my fix, my meal. Times passes oh so slowly.
At last the door opens and out comes a boy with my order!
All is forgiven! I grasp my white bag and carefully place it on top of my
wallet in the seat next to me. The coke stays in my hand as I drive the short
distance back to my job. I’d have to eat
fast and it would also have to be at my desk as my lunch period was almost
over. What should have taken ten minutes had taken twenty-five of my thirty
minute lunch break!
Hurriedly, I exit my car leaving the wallet and change lying
on the seat. No time to waste as my hot meal is getting colder by the second.
Now, at my desk I open the bag to find… ah yes, an Egg McMuffin with no fries. Sighing,
I take a sip of my coke and prepare to eat.
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