Saturday, November 12, 2016

We're all smoke free, so now what?

Tsk tsk..
 In the spirit of all the health movements that have swept the country in recent years, I decided to get the ball rolling on the big elephant in the room; obesity.

Back in July of 2015, A smoke-free ordinance for public and workplaces was passed by the City of Branson Board of Alderman.   The new requirements are intended to protect the health of citizens, visitors, patrons, and workers against the dangers of tobacco smoke, including secondhand smoke. The ban included:
  • All enclosed workplaces and facilities;
  • All enclosed public places;
  • Within 6 feet of outside entrances, operable windows and ventilation systems where smoking is prohibited.  
  • Within 4 feet of outside entrances, operable windows and ventilation systems where smoking is prohibited in the downtown district. 
That was a very fair and progressive thing to do by people who like to tell other people what liberties they might or might not enjoy. These same ideologues were nice enough to allow vaping for the time being, so nicotine addicts would still be able to get their 'fix'.

But now, I feel it's was past time that we begin to tighten up (pun intended) restrictions on those of us which are a few too many pounds overweight! After all, it is a well known fact that fat people are having heart attacks and strokes in record numbers. As a matter of fact, according to the National Institutes of Health, obesity and overweight together are the second leading cause of preventable death in the United States, close behind tobacco use. An estimated 300,000 deaths per year are due to the obesity epidemic. Oh my!

To that end, I hope to spearhead a citywide effort to force people to lose weight when they dare to venture out to eat, by requiring all the local eateries to offer one of the many 'Slimline' meals my company is now putting on the market. Yes, special meals customized for those considered to be a 'few too many pounds' over the limit. Slimline Inc. is a startup company that is based in India (really cheap labor), that puts out a 'healthy' and 'progressive' line of meals that are guaranteed to cause weight loss for anyone who is in need. Take my 'Slimline Turkey platter' No 472334, as a case in point. At only $6.99, your customers will get a healthy slice of turkey, a salad with bread sticks and a small cup of nuts! at just over 200 calories! Yessiree, your overweight clientele will begin to shed those pounds in no time.

Now that's a meal!
Now, I know what your all wondering. How the heck does a restaurant manager know if someone is overweight? I'm glad you asked! One of the requirements of the new law I'm proposing will be for every eatery in the infected area be required to order a Slimline Health-O-Scale that will be located by the entrance of every restaurant. When a customer enters and steps on the meter, either a green or a red light will flash - if you get a red light - Oops, you'll need to order yourself a 'Slimline' meal! Now how's that for real progressiveness??

Just remember, 'Dining on Slimline is divine'! Let it be your path to a healthy and disease free lifestyle, whether you want that or not.

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